Everyday I slave away to partake in a masquerade
The sea of masks that pass so fast and each one lacks a name

Their voices droning as i strain honing on one humble voice
But behind plastic smiles and hollowed out eyes it appears i lack a choice.

Would i have to blend in with your mindless trends?
i think i'd rather be alone

you all dance along and no one inquests as to why
I'd rather wear my crown and watch you drown at your conformist black tie

comparing shallow pools of mortal flowers can only last so long
winter comes swiftly with the shock of frost and those wilting rose petals are gone

so what's left other than an empty shell that over time will crack
foolish ones who never learned.. that pseudo beauty is only skin deep

So dawn your masks and fill your flasks with the booze that will make you forget
you never dared to stray, instead you stayed, now you choke on your regret

i'm counting down the days until the straps holding up your lavish masks break,
shattering your "perfect" image you spent innocent hearts and vital years to create.

and as all your shallow intentions burst into flames you will look around to see
unfamiliar faces with unfamiliar names, and ironically, the only familiar one will be

Me.

It was a Friday and Mr. John* and I spent the majority of the class talking about people in the classroom. Pointing and giggling like we were in Middle School. Then the focus of conversation turned on each other and we got so lost in our thoughts that we didnt even realize when the bell rang, and all the other students left.    

We looked around the room, then at each other and exchanged a short laughter. Not and awkward laugh, just a comfortable laugh that is often shared between friends during a break in conversation. We were both thinking, "Wow, i didnt realize how much time went by." I started reluctantly packing my things thinking that i needed to leave before his next class started. A minute or so of some closing remarks went by and still no studends walked through his door.

" Wheres you're next class? Are they all skipping? You giving a test?" I asked jokingly

"I don't have one, its my prep class" As he said this he slowed down his talking and pulled out the chair that was next to him, as if he was saying, "C'mon, stay here...you know you want to.."

I wasn't postive that was his intention, my assumption could have been wrong and it was just a coincidence he pulled out that chair. I didnt want to assume anything. If he wanted me to stay, i wanted him to say it. So i opened up the opportunity for him to say something,

"Hmmm, there's no point in me even going to my next class, I have a substitute today and I finished all the work i have." As i whined through this sentance I saw the moment something clickd in his head, he started to smile. Then he leaned back in his chair and sighed as if he was trying to be smooth,

"You can hang here for a while if you want, we can talk physics and all that fun stuff," And just li ke that, the invitation was sent. It was up to me to decide what to do. For a second i considered just going to class and leaving the horrible temptation behind. But the smile on his face and in his eyes was too sincere for me to just walk away from. I dove head first into uncharted waters and just let them take me wherever I was meant to go.

The moment I put my bag back down on the floor his eyes lit up. Who knew a teacher could ever act this human?

I moved towards the table that he was sitting at, with each step, my heart's rate increased. He watched me walk and he watched me sit. I looked up into his eyes to find myself looking, not into a teachers eyes, but into a new friend's eyes. We smiled, and he started talking. Asking me questions about my life. Like he was trying to figure me out. I was suprised with how easy it was to tell him things, how easy it was to trust.

After a while of talking about myself i got curious if he would tell me anything. So i started to ask him some questions and he did something suprising. He answered them...honestly. He didnt pull anything like "Oh I dont think i should answer that" He was real with me. He put his guard down and becamse vulnerable.

The more and more we talked, the less and less i thought of him as a teacher. We started joking around like we were best friends hanging out. If i said something stupid he would shove me. He was cursing, he told me a dirty joke. It was all going great.

All of a sudden Mr. John sat straight up in his seat...took his feet off the table and cleared his throat. I turned around to see what had caused is abrupt change in posture and i saw the other physics teacher from the next room over who had knocked on the door to ask a quick question. Mr. John blushed as if he had been caught flirting with the hot substitute teacher. He got up to go talk to the teacher...thats when i realized that he knew that this was wrong too.

I felt uncomfortable..I started collecting my things. When Mr. John looked back he had an unsure look in his eye and at the same time it looked like he was apologizing to me. There were ten minutes left before the next class, I told him that I better at least show up to my class for a second with a note so i dont get in trouble for cutting. He nodded and lost eye contact with me. As he handed me the hall pass...he purposely touched my hand.

"If you ever need somebody to talk to, or just be with...I will always be in this room"

I looked at him in silence for what seemed to be a really long time. I said thank you...turned and left.

As i walked down the empty hallway my head was spinning with thoughts.

Was i falling for my teacher?

I could hear people talk. I heard them say what i expected to hear. No suprises, nothing creative that caught my attention. That almost dissapointed me, i was waiting to hear a good one. It figures though, i go to school with a bunch of uncreative petty dogs. I think they knew I heard them, maybe they even wanted me to heard, either way, i listened for it. I went out of my way to hear it. Sometimes, i even fed the fire. Giving them more to talk about. Because deep down, as odd as it sounds....

I wanted them to talk about me and Mr. John*

Of course everything they were saying was probably false. Rumors of an affiar, me getting "extra help" after class. And theres also this fantastic story going around of how I did something to get my grade up. That ones a favorite of mine.

The truth is Mr. John and I do have a special relationship, but not in any way like what people have been saying.

Is it wrong to say that, that dissapoints me? That maybe in some way that i know is so wrong, I want what they are saying to be true? It goes against all of my morals, but for some reason it excites me. The idea of breaking the law.

Not that Mr. John and I havent broken the law before....

But thats a story for another time....

 

 

*name has been changed